Processing

Dang it, the purpose of this blog is that hopefully I would encourage the person who reads it. Not every single time, but maybe once or twice with some idea I've crafted up. I usually never write about myself directly, I usually have some other purpose behind the things I say, hoping it's encouraging or positive or funny to someone who keeps up with this thing. But I just have to say, I don't have the juice for that right now. Truth is I'm not happy. I'm joyful and I'm hopeful but I'm not happy. Those things are different. Around midnight on Sunday night I went to urgent care because my body was in physical pain, pain that I'd never had before and it was one of the few moments I've ever really been terrified. I had no idea what was going on and at the moment felt like I had no chance of ever feeling better. It's what we call anxiety I do believe, and I do not wish that on anyone, no matter how young or old. My brain has no freakin idea how to grieve, I've never had to before, and usually I just call my Mom when it's something big and scary. Not being able to do that messes up everything inside of me and I'm tired of being physically hurt. I've always been a "rub some dirt in it" kinda girl and the most stress I feel is usually during a Carolina football game so all this is brand new. Sitting in the waiting room at the Doctor's office I felt about as big as a bread crumb. I couldn't do a thing about the way my body was handling things. I couldn't fix it, I couldn't just feel better, and I realized for the first time that this is going to take such a long time. If God's reasonings have anything to do with making less of myself, then he is well on his way. There's no way I'll come out of this without Him. I may not right this second, but I will love God more than I ever have when it's all over. Right now I have every right to be selfish and I think I'll take that privaledge some of the time, but God has knocked me down to about as low as it comes and trying to fix THAT on your own is literally impossible. So I guess I will write about myself and this battle for a little while, it's how I process things. Maybe it'll be helpful to someone one day, but I seriously pray that no one goes through this at a young age. I mean any age is hard. But 20's are your on top of the world years and everything is cool and new and fun and taking over the world is somewhere within reach. So it's a little different and 24 years is not long enough to learn how to handle things like this. Maybe I'll come out of it a little more mature. Let's hope so.