Progress

Last week I met with this really great woman from my church who is a pro psychologist. She had me over for a little chat and fed me nachos and homemade cookies and it was awesome. I've been totally against going to a therapist or psychologist because you have to talk about yourself a lot and I didn't really think I would leave knowing any more about myself than I knew already. After I told her what I had been going through lately, she told me that I was actually depressed and that it was normal. She told me there are different forms of depression as far as body-reaction goes. What I have is called anxiety depression. So instead of that horrible stage where you don't want to get out of bed or go to work or be social, my body instead wants to speed up and produce constant adrenaline and fool myself into thinking I don't have time to think about or process anything. She diagnosed that junk right away when I said "I just want all this to be over." I'm fine with being emotional and crying a lot and all the fluffy stuff, but I want that to be over tomorrow. October at the latest. And unfortunately she tells me, "honey, that's not gonna happen." I get that it's going to be hard and I'll miss my Mom and lose a little sleep but I'll take about a week of that, please. Most of all, it was good to hear that I'm normal. Since our chat, I've been sleeping. For a while there, I didn't think I would ever get a full night of sleep ever again on my own. And the fact that I am is all thanks to prayer. So many people have been praying for me and with me whether I like it or not. This proves that God hasn't just left me to grieve on my own. He won't zap me one random Tuesday and make my heart not hurt anymore, but He has shown that He's faithful, which I haven't doubted for a minute. I think some people who get angry at God when something bad happens is because they don't "feel better" right away. And since not having a Mom for the rest of my life will always SUCK, I'm not really counting on "feeling better" for a while. I can only keep reminding myself that how much He loves me doesn't depend on my mood.