Allostatic Load

I realize that my thoughts have been way past emo lately and for that I'm sorry. It's just going to have to be like that for a little while. This morning I had to literally talk myself into staying in grad school. I was overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to do and decided that I didn't have the brain capacity for it and maybe I should skip this semester and come back to it later. After another good morning with my rock climbing class I remembered that it was 7am and I was sleepy when all that was decided. I would never go to school to be a teacher (thats why I didnt) but I do love teaching my class. Sure it's just rock climbing, a beginner 1 hour course but we have fun and we get to tie knots and climb up on things and be active and that's a good thing. I have a blind student in my class and on the day that I was told this, I really freaked out and decided that overall my semester would be a disaster. Turns out she's one of the best students and the rest of the class is being so helpful and are learning how to deal just like I am. So it's cool. My health class will be time consuming and I'm not that interested in it, but maybe I'll learn something. My sport marketing professor said you had to be a moron to get a B in his class and he's cynical and hilarious so I know I'll love it. Overall, the first week of class was successful. My planner for the next 3 months looks like it might explode so I don't really know what to do about that, but if grad school were easy I wouldn't even bother, right?

quote of the day

Brittany: "What if he was on jeopardy and told the truth...I watch battlestar galactica and creep on 14 year-old girls."

While watching the part of the Emmy's where they recap all the year's deaths in hollywood, Brittany says: "Grace, I hope that's you one day."

Progress

Last week I met with this really great woman from my church who is a pro psychologist. She had me over for a little chat and fed me nachos and homemade cookies and it was awesome. I've been totally against going to a therapist or psychologist because you have to talk about yourself a lot and I didn't really think I would leave knowing any more about myself than I knew already. After I told her what I had been going through lately, she told me that I was actually depressed and that it was normal. She told me there are different forms of depression as far as body-reaction goes. What I have is called anxiety depression. So instead of that horrible stage where you don't want to get out of bed or go to work or be social, my body instead wants to speed up and produce constant adrenaline and fool myself into thinking I don't have time to think about or process anything. She diagnosed that junk right away when I said "I just want all this to be over." I'm fine with being emotional and crying a lot and all the fluffy stuff, but I want that to be over tomorrow. October at the latest. And unfortunately she tells me, "honey, that's not gonna happen." I get that it's going to be hard and I'll miss my Mom and lose a little sleep but I'll take about a week of that, please. Most of all, it was good to hear that I'm normal. Since our chat, I've been sleeping. For a while there, I didn't think I would ever get a full night of sleep ever again on my own. And the fact that I am is all thanks to prayer. So many people have been praying for me and with me whether I like it or not. This proves that God hasn't just left me to grieve on my own. He won't zap me one random Tuesday and make my heart not hurt anymore, but He has shown that He's faithful, which I haven't doubted for a minute. I think some people who get angry at God when something bad happens is because they don't "feel better" right away. And since not having a Mom for the rest of my life will always SUCK, I'm not really counting on "feeling better" for a while. I can only keep reminding myself that how much He loves me doesn't depend on my mood.

quote of the day

At the Charlotte Knights baseball game...

Emily: "Times must be tough if he's going for that!"

quote of the day

Kerin: "True story: a guy had the wrong number and then texted this: 'No disrespect but you have a beautiful voice, are you in a relationship?' whaaaat i dont know whether to be flattered or depressed that the only guy to ask me out in almost a year hasn't seen me."

One Week

Don't stop reading my never updated blog these days, I'll try to do better. I don't have anything super spiritual or emotional to say. I just want to express my unmotivation for school to happen in a week. I need about another month or so before it starts, or maybe another summer so I can shoot for a better one. Although I am excited about the new graduate assistants I'll be working with since all of them are brand new this year. One is my roommate from my Ireland trip and she's pretty rad. I have 2 classes and should finish up my research project before December (but probably I won't). I'm teaching 2 rock climbing classes, working some ropes course sessions, working for parks and rec, attempting to be active in my honors fraternity, play in the church band, and host lots of people at my house every night I'm sure of it. Hello Fall.

In less stressful news: Eat Pray Love was a great movie, the book was even better. Mad props to Grace for getting me the book for my birthday and in 17 days I've read the whole thing with much excitement. I'm typically a slow reader so this is a big deal. The whole thing makes me want to travel, mostly to Bali where I can surf and see through the water. I'm heavily contemplating a big trip in May when I graduate. I have a few grand places in mind, probably not New York City any time soon.

quote of the day

Pastor Ken: "Chris, will you open us in prayer and then I'll close when it gets awkward."

quote of the day

In the starbucks parking lot...

Erica to Stephen: "Maybe we'll call each other at the same time tonight!"
Kt: "Oh let's hope so!"
Erin: "Do yall want me to go in?"

at the trashcan in Zaxbys...

16 year-old boy to Erin: "That's a really nice dress by the way."

Processing

Dang it, the purpose of this blog is that hopefully I would encourage the person who reads it. Not every single time, but maybe once or twice with some idea I've crafted up. I usually never write about myself directly, I usually have some other purpose behind the things I say, hoping it's encouraging or positive or funny to someone who keeps up with this thing. But I just have to say, I don't have the juice for that right now. Truth is I'm not happy. I'm joyful and I'm hopeful but I'm not happy. Those things are different. Around midnight on Sunday night I went to urgent care because my body was in physical pain, pain that I'd never had before and it was one of the few moments I've ever really been terrified. I had no idea what was going on and at the moment felt like I had no chance of ever feeling better. It's what we call anxiety I do believe, and I do not wish that on anyone, no matter how young or old. My brain has no freakin idea how to grieve, I've never had to before, and usually I just call my Mom when it's something big and scary. Not being able to do that messes up everything inside of me and I'm tired of being physically hurt. I've always been a "rub some dirt in it" kinda girl and the most stress I feel is usually during a Carolina football game so all this is brand new. Sitting in the waiting room at the Doctor's office I felt about as big as a bread crumb. I couldn't do a thing about the way my body was handling things. I couldn't fix it, I couldn't just feel better, and I realized for the first time that this is going to take such a long time. If God's reasonings have anything to do with making less of myself, then he is well on his way. There's no way I'll come out of this without Him. I may not right this second, but I will love God more than I ever have when it's all over. Right now I have every right to be selfish and I think I'll take that privaledge some of the time, but God has knocked me down to about as low as it comes and trying to fix THAT on your own is literally impossible. So I guess I will write about myself and this battle for a little while, it's how I process things. Maybe it'll be helpful to someone one day, but I seriously pray that no one goes through this at a young age. I mean any age is hard. But 20's are your on top of the world years and everything is cool and new and fun and taking over the world is somewhere within reach. So it's a little different and 24 years is not long enough to learn how to handle things like this. Maybe I'll come out of it a little more mature. Let's hope so.