I only put on Relient K albums when I want to bring out the 8th grade version of myself, but my shuffle gave me one of their songs on my walk to the Library this afternoon. We all know how much I love music and lyrics and stuff and this song just hit my day right on the head. It was a tough day, a day when I really missed my Mom and I hate those kind of days. I don't have those days every day anymore, but when I do they really hurt. It's been almost 4 months and for some reason I'm still surprised when I randomly cry or get angry or can't sleep. Incase you don't know and for future reference friends, it is VERY hard to be convinced that God has your best in mind when He takes someone that you love. You get told over and over and over but believing it with consistency just doesn't come very easily. The good thing about that is that the truth doesn't depend on my mood. When I said Yes to Jesus I don't remember Him promising me an easy life or promising that my parents would live forever or that death wouldn't hurt. When I said Yes to Jesus I signed on to take Him at His word, knowing that we're not meant for this crappy, painful world anyway. I have a LONG way to go before I can say "Way to go God, that turned out good!" But today I re-learned that grieving takes longer than a couple of weeks and it takes more than just staying busy all the time. I haven't been and I won't be my normal self anytime soon and that has to be ok with me too.
And you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart
then things will just get worse
If the burden seems to much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there
3 comments:
i love you and i know how you feel. also, other relient k cds bring out the middle schooler (although it's more like high school), that one is just legit and speaks some truth. even i still listen to it.
Like the bad student I am I read your post during class, which was a bad idea, because I could feel my heart breaking and feel the pain that you are dealing with and I almost wept. I don't know the exact pain you're dealing with in losing a parent. But I do know the unexpected anger and sadness that grief brings. I know those nights that I can't sleep in my house because I think of my grandfather's death there, or just up thinking about life and death that keeps me up. I wish I could tell you it will get easier, and I wish I knew the words to share to ease your pains...but I got a B in my Pastoral Counseling class, so that's not one of my strengths.
All I can say is that I'm around to talk. I know that death sucks. Grief Sucks. I'm glad that there is a God who is bigger than those things, and bigger than all of the crap I throw back at God. If you ever need someone to talk to who won't give you the usual sugarcoated, feel good stuff that you are probably tired of hearing let me know. I'm around. If you need someone to watch Jerseylicious with you to melt your brain with I'll be around ;) I love you dear, let me know if you need anything!!!
THANKS brooke and ktb. I love yall and miss yall and i wish you both didnt live so far away! can we be friends forever?
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