Oh who would ever want to be King?

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

This song by Coldplay won song of the year at the Grammy's this week. I've heard lots of people say the song is about various world leaders. Some say Bush, which I kind of laugh about to be honest, others say pretty much every King that lived back in them old days, some say it's about Jesus, and some say Obama. I mean, he is currently the leader of the free world. Honestly when I first heard this song I thought about myself as a Christian. I know I'm not a leader of the world, or a leader of anything, but I do often think that I am of some benefit to God. And I think for me that is the most dangerous spot to be in because the truth is that I'm weak. Not only do I know that but lately I've been really feeling it too. I'm not saying this to express some deep state of depression I've been in cause that's not it. I've just been realizing more and more that I can't do anything without Him. Yea I know I should know that by now, but a reminder every single day helps. Truth is I'm not that cool, I'm not that successful or wonderful or rich and contrary to the belief of those on my particular career path, I will never be those things. It's freakin hard to not live according to your own plans, to not put all your faith into this world, and to live unselfishly. But when I get to the point where I feel completely weak and unimportant and useless, it helps to be reminded that this world isn't my final stop and to have confidence that God is the King and thankfully I have no chance of taking his place. Even though I've attempted it on more than several occasions. Everything that I try to do without him won't work. And the more I try to rely on myself, the more proof I'm left with. durnit.

When you're away, when I'm missing you to death

Unfortunately the weather has an affect on you. Since the day I got back to Rock Hill after my week off for Christmas I've been in a wretched mood. I had no desire to be at home in Gaffney and no desire to be back here and going back to a routine. The joy of Christmas was over and spring felt so far away. For these slow and long winter months, no one is outside and nothing fun happens. The most exciting holiday is valentine's day and that's debateable. But this weekend has been a delightful 70 degrees and sunshine. On saturday Erica and I ate lunch, went shopping, got icecream, and headed to the lake with Ben Gibbard playing on the radio driving down the highway. I felt like everything was new and happy and no one was inside. The sun was the brightest it has been in months and the wind blew with warmth instead of in an attempt to kill you, like every other winter day. I just wanted to be a kid playing outside until it got dark and it was time to go in. Not to be a downer, but this weather won't last for much longer. The groundhog did see his shadow so we have some more cold days ahead of us. I'll try my hardest to fight this seasonal depression in these hard days, but the feeling I got this weekend is enough to look forward to.

You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea

I've been on this Coldplay kick for a few days. I haven't listened to them in a very long while, but one of my favorite songs came on shuffle on my way home the other day. I like to go old school, and their music just slays me in every good way possible.

Most of you know I ran cross-country in high school. I hated most of it, I just did it to get in shape for soccer season. It actually worked. But I used to run about 6 miles a day, and now I'm depressed because I'm so out of shape I can't run to the mailbox. So I'm running in a 5k race here in Rock Hill in April to give me something to achieve. I really feel like I'm always looking for a new challenge, so what the heck, right? My problem with all this is that I work from 9-6 everyday and it's dark by the time I get home. I refuse to join a gym where I have to run inside on a machine and then pay for it. I'm poor and that's dumb. So I think I shall start running on my lunch break everyday. Ok I'm trippin, it won't be every day. I am well aware of my own will power. But most days I will make a valiant effort to run, especially as May gets closer. As a blog reader I expect you to ask every time you see me, "did you run today?" That way I'll get annoyed with all of you and actually do it to make you stop. I'm thinkin it'll work.

That's all the news I have for now. Go Steelers!

In reference to the thoughts below....

Brandi: " I read your blog about different careers."
Me: "You think I have a future in any of them?"
Brandi: "Maybe not broadway, because I think you would get annoyed by people being rediculous all the time."

Career Day

I'm aware that all of this is a direct result of my bad day, but I'm not shy in saying i dislike my job a lot. I wouldn't say I hate it, hate is a strong word and emotion and it doesn't fit here. BUT I can't even tell you guys how inspired I am to go to grad school from going to my current job day after day. As I sat in a bad mood I thought of all the possible career roads I could skip down incase my professional job of owning the Carolina Panthers doesn't play out. Here are a few:

• I really just want to be a sailor. I want to straight up be on a boat and be lost in the ocean for the rest of my days. I would play the guitar and get a tan and write about the sunsets that I would get to see every evening. mmm yea.
• You know those shows you watch every week and you think inside, "I like all of these songs playing in the background!" (ok maybe I just notice those things) But who has the job of picking out which songs make it into which episode? I want to be that person. That would let me listen to music all day and decide the cool factor of each song. And then put them into a clip that fits. Not that i particularly want to work for mtv or vh1, but you know. That just seems to be a totally radical job. A soundtrack maker for movies and tv shows.
• A Dj. Now that's a job I've been told I could do. Beth came up with my dj name, K-snap. I like it, and it gives me some gangster credibility i think. I love music and I love to watch people enjoy and dance and understand music. I want to wear the headphones on one ear and make scratchy sounds and mix lyrics together. Be an artist, ya dig?
• While on summer project we took a weekend trip to Yosemite National Park and it rocked my freakin world. I can't explain how beautiful and bright everything is there. I could totally be some sort of tour guide, park ranger, toilet cleaner, it just doesnt matter. I could and would live there doing anything anyone asked me to do. Oh boy.
• Broadway.

Those are just some back-ups. I actually do have to fight through my current job to get some satisfaction out of it. I'm the type of kid that knows what I want and I don't like to settle for things that make me clearly unhappy. So I'm having some troubles. And as fun and inviting as these career choices sound, I'm getting my second education to hopefully someday get the priviledge of doing what i really love and to ya know, get paid. I look forward to it.

Thoughts worth thinking about

I've been teaching Sunday school to the youth group at my church for a little over a year i guess. And not too far into it, we started studying the book of Luke. We are currently in chapter 9 out of 24 and we've been at it for almost a year. Right around chapter 3 i started to get annoyed. But the more I study the bible, and i mean really study it instead of just picking out the verses that seem to make me feel good, i realize that the Bible covers every issue. Just within the 9 chapters of Luke we've covered a lot of issues and topics that apply to everyone, and especially teenagers.

This week we went from the story where Jesus heals the boy with an evil spirit. Typcial story, i mean Jesus did these types of things all the time. But my favorite part is when Jesus says in verse 41 of chapter 9, "O unbeleiving generation. How long shall I stay with you and put up with you? Bring your son here." This was said after the Father who brought his son to Jesus to be healed had some doubt that Jesus couldn't heal him. I like to picture Jesus being really annoyed and saying this in the most parental way possible. Like when my Mom comes home to a messy house. Or my Dad takes away the light bulb in my room because I cant learn to cut off the light. The Father doubted on that day that Jesus couldn't save his son. The disciples certainly doubted, because they first tried to heal the boy but they couldn't. I feel like God has this tone on me when I doubt. Kind of like, "Really Katie? "Have you not been paying attention for the last 22 years?" My question to the youth was, "Is it ok to doubt?"

One of the girls said yes because doubting builds our faith. Literally thousands and thousands of times the Lord comes through for me and takes care of me and I still find some way to doubt him. And it's a wide range of doubt. I doubt that he has any idea what he's doing. I doubt that he's doing the right thing by putting me certain places and situations. and I certainly doubt his existence some days. Yep I said it. But with all the doubt comes the glorious reality that in the beginning He was here and in the end He'll be here. He's still the God that never changes but changes us so we'll never be the same again. I don't really know how to wrap up this long thought. so i won't. holler.

Snow!

I can't explain how much I hate cold weather, but once a year I suck it up. That one day of the year is that one day that it snows in South Carolina. Schools were closed and work was shut down because Rock Hill got about 2 inches. love that!